The Hitchhiker's guide to the Mighty Boosh
by Boosh Rocks
Summary: This is my 1st fic I've posted, and its... a little confusing but its ok i suppose. A mysterious man, a rather large hole in a field and what I hope is Hilarity for everyone! Reviews are magic. Please bestow them upon me.
1. The Fog

**Well, this is the first fic I've posted on here… and I have to say it's not my favorite. Oh well, it's the only one I've actually completed a few chapters of, so.. here goes! It's set after series 3 in the Boosh, and after series 2 in the HHGTTG radio series.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't own the HHGTTG, or the Boosh, or Rob McKenna or... well if you don't recognise it, its not mine.**

The heavy fog cleared a little, seeping through the street corners like some stalker but in fog form.

In a dark alleyway stood a solitary figure wearing a long black coat and top hat.

He grinned a little as he noticed a large car approaching in the rain, marked "McKenna's all weather Haulage"

Rob McKenna was sitting in his car, grumbling as usual about the torrent of rain that was always following him everywhere. He hadn't seen the sun for at least a year now. Rob had started to write down the different types of rain he had encountered, because he had heard that Eskimo's had over 100 different words for snow, and he didn't see why it should be different for rain.

Out of the corner of his eye, he glimpsed the figure in the dark. or, more specifically, he glimpsed the man's thumb.

he sighed. More Hitchhikers. He had almost decided he'd had enough of those people. After that last hitchhiker, who would just not shut up about her family… or at least until he dumped her outside. but to be fair, Rob was tired, bored and didn't really care, so he stopped for the man.

The man's smile grew wider as the car stopped for him, and he stepped out of the alleyway and into the light of a street lamp, revealing an evil glint in the one eye that Rob could see. A large polo mint covered the other eye.

Rob nodded as arkwardly as is possible for a grumpy scotsman.

**Yeah, I know it's too short... but there's more to come... ooohh... tension...**

**If silence is Golden, Reviews are…err… platinum.**


	2. Drunk and Crashing

**Since I haven't had any reviews as of yet, I thought I might as well post the next chapter… but PLEASE can you review? I really want to know if this is any good…**

**And for those of you who don't know the HHGTTG radio series and just the books, it's just after the bit with the ruler f the universe talking to his cat. Ok? Good.**

**Anyway, this is where some stuff actually starts to happen!**

**Disclaimer: Julian and Noel own the Boosh, not me, And the Late and wonderful Douglas Adams owns the HHGTTG. :)**

"Zaphod, we're crashing!"

"yeah, I can see that!"

The Heart of Gold rocked violently about, throwing Trillian and Zaphod against the walls. Screens were flickering, lights were flashing, everything was screaming at them "Something Bad is happening!"

Literally.

"Eddie, shut up!" Trillian yelled at the computer, desperately trying to reach the lever that controlled the improbability drive.

"Eddie, can you tell us the sector we're in?"

"Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, folks!" The computer replied happily, despite the situation.

Zaphod and Trillian shared the same worried, confused and frankly slightly annoyed look.

"We're crashing… On EARTH?"

_The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy has this to say on the subject of crashing. _

_Crashing is a process often performed by ships and other vehicles. _

_The words that tend to be spoken in this instance are, and I quote, _

"_AAGGHHHHHHH! WE'RE CRASHING!" as Zaphod and Trillian are currently demonstrating. _

_The guide also mentions the people of Axa El Minor, who's planet was permanently falling through space until it hit a large planet, thus creating debris that then decided it didn't want to be space dust, and became a small solar system in the starred apple galaxy._

Meanwhile, in the Kitchens of the Heart of Gold, Arthur Dent was making a cup of tea.

Or at least, that's what he's been trying to do, until the spaceship had been thrown out of control The tea was now covering his already grubby dressing gown.

Ford staggered in, wondering where he was, and what he was doing here.

As usual, he was drunk, so he didn't notice the crashing ship.

"Whelll that…" he slurred, "was one of the best nights eveer.. Arthur, why are you staggering about? I don't remember you having a pan galactic gargle blaster…"

"No, Ford, we're crashing!" Arthur looked at him in a tired, scared, annoyed confused look that only Arthur Dent can do. "And Eddie says we're crashing on Earth!"

"and?"

"It was destroyed! By The vogons!"

"…I know. Are you suure you're not drunk?"

"Yes, Ford!"

"Hang on…" Ford reached into his satchel and brought out a small pink pill, which he quickly swallowed.

Arthur noticed Ford visibly perk up. "Ok, so now you've done whatever that was Ford, can we please go and try and find out what the hell we are doing about the fact that we are crashing!"

They were halfway down the corridor before there was a massive and ominous thud and they were thrown to the ground.

"Well," Ford jumped to his feet, "That worked. Can you remind me to get some more of those centi-anti drunk pills next time we stop off at Alpha Centuri? Thanks."

Arthur followed Ford into the control room, still a little dazed.

"Zaphod," Trillian yelled, "Can you stop looking in the mirror and help me get these monitors back online?"

Zaphod stayed precisely where he was, and Trillian sighed.

"Zaphod, I can tell what you're thinking."

"oh really? Good. Then you know what a froody guy I am…" Zaphod smirked.

"What did you do this time?"

"well.. I installed an update…"

"Do you remember the last time you installed an update?"

"That wasn't my fault, ok? Those people were just… in the wrong place."

"But they were in the right place to be trapped in the center of a planet for all eternity."

"well-"

"A burning planet."

"Trillian," Arthur interrupted, "What's going on? Can we not concentrate on Zaphod right now, we don't even know where we are."

"Arthur, does it really matter where we are?" Ford answered for her, "Just be thankful it was there. Otherwise we'd be like Axa El Minor."

"Hmm…"

**I apologise for my dreadful writing!**

**But Reviews would be nice… please? **


	3. Adverts

**YES! I got a review! Thank you stronger than a moose :)**

**Finally it gets to the bit with Vince and Howard in! but… there isn't that much. Be patient, my lovely readers!**

**I have to type this all up from my tiny notebook…**

**Disclaimer: I live on the internet. Do you really think I'd own an ****amazing ****comedy show? I mean if you do think that, I'm very flattered, but… I don't. **

"Vince," yelled Howard, "Hurry up! The stock taking won't do itself you know."

"Yeah, that's why you're doing it."

Vince was just finishing straightening his hair, and his brain cell was considering another excuse for not helping Howard open up shop.

A few minutes later, Vince walked into the shop where Howard was sat in an armchair reading the daily explorer.

"Howard," Naboo yelled from the corridor, "did you put that ad in the paper?"

"Yeah, did it yesterday."

Vince looked at him confused. "What ad?"

"Oh, we're finally putting those spare rooms to some use. They'll be new lodgers soon."

The four travellers slowly climbed out of the ship, ready for whatever danger faced them, whatever monster, creature or harsh environment it may be: into a field.

There were no cows in the field, it was just a large empty piece of grass that now had a massive hole where the Heart Of Gold had crashed.

"Oh man…" Complained Zaphod, "I need some sleep."

"No, scrap that, man," his second head closed its eyes, "I really need some sleep."

"Why don't we ask Marvin?" offered Arthur.

Zaphod's eyes snapped open and Arthur received some very annoyed looks. He was getting a lot of those today.

"Oh, don't mind me," droned Marvin's robotic voice as he, too, climbed out of the newly formed hole. "I was just sitting down waiting to die when we crashed. Just sitting there. So much I could've been doing."

He sighed. "Brain the size of a planet…"

"Marvin, shut your computer cakehole before I shut it for you." Was Zaphod's tetchy reply.

"Hey.." Trillian noticed, "There are cars over there."

"ahh!" Ford had noticed too. He grinned a little. "I like your thinking… but we won't be able to take Marvin."

"Ooh, then I'll just sit in the ship and rot."

"Actually Marvin, do you think you could try and fix the ship while you're there?" asked Trillian.

"Why not. It'll just take up a few minutes of my meaningless existence. You know, I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side-"

"Yeah, we know." Zaphod headed for the road. "Let's just get this over with."

"You got your towel?" Ford piped up.

"Yep."

They all wandered over to the roadside, before grinning at the passing cars and sticking out their upturned thumbs.

Rob sat in his car with the strange man staring ahead. He didn't complain even though he wanted to, it being his nature and all.

He kept his mind off it by thinking of a hitchhiker he'd once had who had nattered on about dodos for so long that Rob almost went mad.

He'd left that guy unconscious in the Horse and Groom pub.

The rain came down a little harder on the windscreen and Rob groaned.

Then he noticed that the man had shifted his eyes and was now looking at him.

Rob ignored it and took out his notebook to write down the new type of rain he was experiencing. He mumbled to himself, "number 199… a dirty blatter, striking the windscreen so hard that wipers make no difference.

He tucked the notebook back in the glove compartment, and looked up.

"Actually, they do mate." The man speaking made Rob jump. He spoke with a thick cockney accent.

"What do you mean?"

"The windscreen wipers."

"Oh, You know, you don't have to stare at me like that. Take a look in that notebook. 189 types of rain and they're all horrible."

The man didn't take the notebook. He just stared straight ahead again.

Rob had no doubt that this guy was creepy.

_The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy has this to say on the subject of creepy people;_

"_They're well weird, keep away."_

_There are many types of creepy people, and it is well known by most of the galaxy that the creepiest people come from Bephlarius, as voted by Playbeing magazine 2 years in a row._

_However, the Belphlarians, like the dodos, the dinosaurs and the lesser shoe cat of Ollenesh, are dying out because, thanks to the magazine, _

"_No one likes them any more." _

_The suicide rate has gone up 60% meaning that there are only 12 people left on the planet, and all of them are very, very depressed._

_Much like Marvin,_ _who is currently sitting in the Heart of Gold's central engine room trying to fix the engines. _

_However, Eddie is not someone you want singing when you are performing extensive technical repairs._


	4. The Driver and the Ninja

**Ok, next chapter now… thank you everyone who is reading this! Sorry it's so late, writers block arrived... and brought with it the fact that I HATE typing these up, sorry everyone!  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mighty Boosh or the HHGTTG, but I do own a dressing gown…but I'm not really sure if that counts. And I don't own smarties, but GOD I wish I did…**

**This is where some stuff starts to happen! And you realise how incredibly clichéd the plot is! **

"Thanks for this, man." Zaphod nodded at the man in the driver's seat, who (thank God) didn't think it odd that Zaphod had a large cardboard box on his shoulder to cover his second head.

"No problem." The driver didn't want to talk.

However, he had to.

"London, was it?"

"yeah."

"Or it's nearest equivalent." Ford nodded.

The driver said nothing and the four of them slowly drifted off to sleep.

* * *

"Annd I…" Eddie screeched in a voice that he described as singing.

Marvin sighed. Would this computer never shut up?

"Will always lurveee yooouu.." Eddie drawled.

"Don't talk to me about love."

"How are the repairs going, buddy?"

"Firstly," Marvin stopped work for a second to confront the always happy computer, "I am not, have never been and will never be your "Buddy." And these repairs are going very slowly. They are very complicated and it would be much easier if you didn't sing. Sometimes I think I should just end it all, but what would be the point…"

Marvin sighed and got back to connecting the wires only to find that some of them had melted.

"If I was an organic life form, my eyes would be rolling."

Eddie started singing again.

Marvin seriously considered short circuiting himself.

* * *

"Wake up, you lot." Zaphod, Arthur, Ford and Trillian awoke to the drivers voice.

"I'm gonna have to leave you here."

They looked out of the window into the shop-lined street outside. Looking up at the dark, cloudy sky, they guessed it was about 6:30, giving them enough time to find a place to stay.

They thanked the driver, and stepped outside only to hurry into a small newsagent.

* * *

"Howard, are you ABSOLUTELY sure you put that advert in the paper?"

"Yes, Naboo. There just aren't many people looking for rooms in this area."

"sure." Naboo and Bollo walked out of the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Bollo's Djing tonight."

"Oh, ok. Bye then."

"Bye."

Just after they had left, Vince ran into the shop like he had eaten too many blue smarties. In fact, the only thing more hyper than Vince was from the planet texutem, and is now extinct. It decided it wanted to run around the entire planet and had barely started before it was hit by a hyperspace ship.

"What are you so excited about?" Howard was unfazed. He was used to this.

"It's been two ours and 59 minutes and the ninja will be here any miute now to deliver cheekbone magazine."

"hmm."

A few seconds later, the afore mentioned ninja arrived, making Howard jump.

"Why is it even delivered by a ninja anyway?" he asked.

"Cos they're the only people fast enough." Vince peered at one of the pages. "I'm going to go and get changed."

"fine."

**Oh God... are all my chapters incredibly short? oh well... please review!**


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